NOW I FINALLY UNDERSTAND HER

The recent announcement that genetic engineers have generated a living organism using synthetic DNA sequencing has been ridiculed as "old news" by scientists at Rice University. According to Dr. Grayson Sackmire, Professor of Biochemistry, "over 20 years ago we created Lady GaGa in one of our laboratories out of discarded Handi-Wipes and a bird cage, and she's still going strong."

GREECE + GREASE: A RECIPE FOR RECOVERY?

John Travolta and Olivia Newton-John announced on Saturday that they will present a benefit performance of Grease at the Parthenon in Athens in June, with all proceeds being donated to the financially strapped Greek government. "Without Greece there would have been no Grease," Travolta noted. "Our play is drawn directly from the tragedies of William Shakespeare and Eugene O'Neill, two of Greece's greatest playwrights. It is an honor for us to pay tribute to them, and in doing so help the nation that the play was named for."

WILL VISIBLE THONGS BE NEXT?

On Friday, North Dakota became the 32nd state to legalize exposed brassiere straps on teenage girls. "Too much of our police officers' time was being taken up with enforcing existing anti-skank ordinances," claimed Governor Wendell Turner. "In addition, enforcement efforts often resulted in male officers having sex with the offenders, which is an abuse of power if I've ever seen one."

NEBRASKA JETTISONS OLD SPARKY FOR NFL DRAFT FOOTAGE

On the basis of a recommendation from its state medical association, Nebraska will replace the electric chair with videos of the annual National Football League draft as a means of delivering capital punishment to death row prisoners, beginning in 2011. "It's a much more humane procedure," Dr. Quentin Thornberry of the Department of Corrections announced at a press conference on Sunday. "In some cases it can take an electric chair up to 7 minutes to completely fry an inmate, especially if he or she weighs more than 200 pounds. On the other hand, watching the NFL draft typically causes brain death within 45 seconds, especially if it's the Oakland Raiders' turn to make a pick. We've all noticed that fans who follow the draft religiously every year appear just a little bit 'slow' in everyday conversation."

WILL THE LAST PERSON LEAVING ARIZONA TURN OFF THE LIGHTS?

On Friday, Arizona Governor Jan Brewer signed legislation that makes it a crime under state law to be in the country illegally (no joke). Although supporters hailed the move as a bold step in the fight against illegal immigration, demographers warned that the strategy could backfire. According to Professor Charles F. Tyler at the University of Phoenix, "Nearly 83% of Arizona's legal residents hate living in this giant sand trap; most of them have moved to Alabama in the past three years. If we toss out the illegals, the only people left in our state will be prison inmates and abandoned infants. Do we really want to do this?"

AND SHE'S GOING TO TURN HER DIAPHRAGM INTO A MOUSE TRAMPOLINE

Sharon Osbourne is planning to have her breast implants removed this summer and will give them to her husband, Ozzy Osbourne, to use as a paperweight (no joke).

REYKJAVIK, YOUR TIME HAS COME

The recent volcanic eruption in Iceland has resulted in many Europeans becoming aware of the country's existence for the first time. The reaction of Pierre Foiseaux, a Parisian baker, is typical: "I had always thought Iceland was a small theme park in Norway. Now I find out that they've got their own capital and everything. Mon dieu!"